Looks ARE Deceiving

I am not one to judge working mothers. As a whole, we are working as hard as we can to do the best that we can in so many different realms. I do, however, often think, "How does she do it?! Four kids, work, ballgames, etc?! That chick has it together!" I am sure that others may think that I have it together, too. I am one of those....that everything looks pretty decent on the outside.  My house is considerably clean, my classroom is cute and organized, I post happy smiling pictures on facebook. However, you have not seen my closets, drawers, purse, and under the beds. You have never seen me post the pictures of the times that I really want to pull my hair out! The mess in my closet and drawers is probably the best depiction of my life....from the inside at least.  My mind is all over the place. My heart is torn between home and work. I keep a jumbled, nervous stomach most of the time. So. Yes. Looks are deceiving.

Let me tell you a not-so-pretty story. I pulled in the driveway yesterday. Johnny Appleseed activity in my hand (I was pretty pumped about that), I hear Cameron screaming bloody murder. I get closer to the door and hear screams of, "I want my daddy!!!" Ok. So I am NOT the person that Cam was wanting to see. Boo. It might sound silly, but I was just so saddened by it...and a little infuriated (not at Cam...but just the situation). The only thing that made it better was that when I DID get in arms reach, Cameron DID want me, and I held him close. However, my mind was simply whirling, and I heatedly told Cody later in the evening, "THAT is what happens when DADDY takes them to school. THAT is what happens when DADDY picks them up. THAT is what happens when momma is NEVER there!" THAT is what happens when DADDY has to give them a bath at night because I was literally so exhausted and achy from whatever this is that I have that I couldn't move...not to mention the depression of it had set in. You can call me silly, sensitive, unappreciative, crazy, or whatever it is that you want after reading this, but, boy, is this feeling better getting it all out. I can't usually verbalize it because I get in such an emotional state! Writing is better. So. No, I don't have it all together. No. My ducks are not ALL in a row (just some of them).

Getting back to the initial paragraph: I NEVER judge working mothers. EVER. We are fighting the same battles every day and some of us are fighting battles that we don't begin to know about. I don't even judge mothers, who WANT to work, and the thought of staying at home makes the cringe. Whatever floats your boat. It's not me, though. It's not me at ALL. I give my heart and soul into my work with the children of others. I love them like they are mine. The problem is that I have given so much, that I feel that my work at home is inadequate. That is NOT OK. Since I can not really do anything about it at this point, I pray that I can come to peace with my performance at work and home. I don't think that I have ever found a balance between the two although I desperately need to.