Issues

I have a BIG issue....well...it's not life-threatening or anything and I doubt anyone would find it the least bit concerning....BUT...it is an issue to ME, nonetheless.  This problem may even sound petty or unimportant, but, trust me, I count my blessings each and every day. However, I always fall back to the same old pity party.

Have you guessed what my BIG issue is, yet? Well, I am having the most difficult time leaving the kids at home and heading off to work each day. It is something that has always been hard for me, but it has become increasingly hard. Sometimes I think that I am on the brink of an emotional breakdown.  It's not that I dislike my job (although it can be VERY trying), it's just that I am leaving the cutest kids behind at home.

Okay, okay I know that I am completely fortunate. YES. unlike many jobs, I get the holidays and summers off with the kids. YES, I have a job while millions of Americans do not. My job is what helps us provide things for my family that some families are struggling to provide in these difficult times. So, YES, I know that I am fortunate.

I simply feel frustrated and saddened by the whole situation. There are so many reasons why I would like to stay at home. It seems like my children are growing up and I haven't the time or the energy to notice.  I treat 52 children each day with the utmost patience, respect, and love that I can possibly give. Many of these kids need those three things because they lack it at home. However, at the end of the day, I find it extremely difficult to provide the same patience and energy.  I must admit, I am irritable at home....very. much. so.  I have a short time with the kids each afternoon before cooking (although, trust me, it's not a four course meal) and preparing for the next day begins. This leaves Cody to play with the kids for quite some time. I have very little quality time with them. No wonder they often prefer their daddy over their momma....who is the one that they spend more time with (and for Cody's help I am truly thankful)??? 

We are also struggling with some behavior issues with the twins.  I feel like two different methods of discipline and expectations are a HUGE contributing factor to these issues(speaking of us and the sitter). Yes, I know Faith and Cameron are only 2 (almost), but to my parents' recollection I NEVER had the terrible twos, and, personally, I really don't believe in that.  If anything, the twos are terrible because it is an age where they are into everything and highly self-centered....NOT blatantly disobedient.  So, staying at home, I KNOW, would alleviate some of these issues....end of story.

I am really at my breaking point with all of this, although there is really nothing that I can do about it. I have a meltdown AT LEAST once or twice a week, whether it be in my car on the way to work or Sunday night.  I have also developed a bit of insomnia. I may fall asleep fine, but wake up at all parts of the nights stressing about something that I need to do or forgot to do....which then leads me to the thought that I have a bit too much on my plate....staying at home would fix that, right? The sleeplessness makes everything that much worse.

OKAY, I know that this is a HUGE pity party!  I don't even know why I am typing it all except that it feels nice to let it all out :)  I give each thanks each day for a job and the wonderful sitter that we have at home. I am also in prayer that I can come to peace with this and I may have the strength to overcome all of the negativity that I have.  Lord knows that I need it!

I do apologize for being such a downer!  Bear with me, I promise to post a funny kid story next time!